I once was a fairly stable person, well, at least I thought so, although my late husband might have chuckled and left his thought unspoken. haha Still, most things rolled off my back, I didn’t struggle emotionally with the little things, and I didn’t ride an emotional roll coaster. Even during the 11 months that Mac struggled to beat his bone marrow disease, I had a calm 95% of the time, and my faith in God’s plan for our lives was total and sure.
That seems to all be out the window anymore. I find myself suddenly plunging into despair only to pop back out of it by the next day. Sometimes the stress overwhelms me only at night and I don’t sleep well. It’s jarring to my body, heart, and my brain. I feel like this “drama queen” asking folks to pray for me constantly. Sometimes I wonder what they think. “Is this woman crazy?” or “Here she goes again.” No matter what they think, they are all dear enough friends to never say a word and to pray, pray, pray for me. That, dear reader, is the biggest blessing ever.
I do wonder though, if I’ll ever again be able to set my feet down and stay on a steady path, or will I always deal with the stress and struggles in such a way?
I don’t have an answer. No one does. Widowhood is, well, it’s deep, painful, difficult, sorrowful, sometimes filled with guilt (I survived cancer, why didn’t he survive the bone marrow disease?), and of course there is the stress.
The stress of being a faithful testimony as I live my life. The stress of finding joy in each day. The stress of dealing with the every day happenings that once were his jobs. The stress of, well, almost everything. Little things become big things all on their own. Sorrow floods over me, unbidden and unwanted. At times, all I can do is crawl into a quiet place, read my Bible, pray and cry.
Then there are the times when the stress is self-imposed. I’m not sure if those are the better times or the worst times. When I take my eyes off the Lord, and turn them to me, then I’ve brought this all on myself. Still, I don’t recognize what’s happened until I reach a point of total despair. Why? Again, I don’t really know. Perhaps it is all a part of widowhood, this not seeing when I’m stumbling, this lack of understanding.
Whatever I don’t know or understand, I do know that there is only one way through all of this: “…looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith…”—Hebrews 12:2 (NKJV)
By doing so, I will go forward each day and will “…find grace to help in time of need.”—Hebrews 4:16 (NKJV)