Saturday, September 12, 2015

Struggles

There are times I really struggle with how to deal with people. For many years I was hesitant to do anything that might make someone dislike me. Then I became a born-again Christian and the Lord began to work on this area of my life. I always thought that this was one of the reasons why God brought Mac and I together—for Mac was always secure in his dealings with other people. He was confident in doing what was right, and he never worried if others approved of him or not. Mac was a tremendous example to me. When he was alive, I could always count on him to give me good advice; but now I feel like I’m floundering when faced with these situations.

After 40 years with Mac, and almost 10 months without Mac, I truly miss his instant help. I miss his hug. I miss his gentle guidance, and his encouragement. Now I wind up twisting in the wind alone. I feel as though I’ve stepped backwards many years to the old Kim. I find myself afraid to step out and say to someone that their words and/or actions are wrong, for fear of destroying a friendship. Friendships seem so fragile to me. Or maybe I’m so fragile. Perhaps both? I sometimes find myself joining in and saying and/or doing things I know are wrong. Joining in makes me part of something; but is it something good? No, it’s not honoring to God in any way, and so I wind up disliking myself as well.

The result is that I feel this desire to withdraw from life, and activities, and people—at least that way I won’t be hurt, and I won’t dishonor God with my words, thoughts and deeds. 

Is this the way God wants me to live? Like a lonely hermit? No, I don’t believe it is. Yet, He left me alone to deal with the parts of life that have always been a struggle for me. I sometimes shout out WHY?!? I tell God how unfair it all is. I tell Him I’m angry and hurt and struggling. I ask why He couldn’t have healed Mac, so that we could have enjoyed many more years together here on earth. His answer is always the same …

“And he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”—2 Corinthians 12:9 

I’m grateful for the way God has shown me how to face issues, and I know I can turn to the Lord for help (and I do), but I still struggle. Alone. Yet, the truth is that God is always there, always has a reason, always has a hug, always has encouragement … I just need to reach out to Him.

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