Often nine months is a time of celebration when a tiny new life enters the world; but it is also 273.9 days, or 39.1 weeks, or perhaps a lifetime of emptiness as well as joy.
Today is the 9 month anniversary of Mac’s homegoing. This past week I’ve found myself myself reliving certain moments from that last week of his life, and wishing my mind would relive the happier days we had together. I feel emptier than normal, and more lost than I have been the last several months. It’s as though I’ve stepped backward to those first days when I was totally numb with grief and pain—and yet, this grief and pain is very different. I know what I had and lost, and I awake each day knowing in my heart that my life is different and will never be the same again; but I also know what I now have, and I step into each day knowing in my heart that my life is in the Lord’s hands and with His help and guidance I will face whatever is ahead.
Am I sad? Of course I am, but I am also happy. Am I lonely? Yes, I have moments when I am very, very lonely; but I am also very, very content. While I long to have my dearest husband back at my side, I also know that I *DO* have a perfect husband at my side:
“For your Maker is your husband”—Isaiah 54:5 (ESV)
With God as my husband, I want for nothing. He comforts, guides, directs, loves unconditionally yet chastises when necessary. He is always there, He never fails me, and He will be with me to the very end. So while I wish I’d never walked this path, I rejoice knowing it is God’s perfect plan for me (and was for Mac as well).
I can truly say with David: