Saturday, August 29, 2015

My confidence

August 27th was another milestone in my journey: celebrating my first birthday alone. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I had struggled so at the 9 month anniversary of Mac’s home going, and I wondered if I’d struggle with this next “first” in my life as a widow. I had moments where I wondered how I would feel, what should I do, how would I respond to any well wishes from friends and family—but mostly I just moved forward with my life.

Then the night before my birthday I sat at home and pondered, struggled and worried. I grabbed my Bible and began reading in 1 John. When I came to 1 John 5:14, I was reminded of two things: 1) this struggle was futile and ridiculous; and 2) all I needed to do was reach out to the Lord.

Okay, sounds simple, right? Twenty years ago, or ten or five years ago, or even one year ago, I would have scoffed at myself and probably muttered something along the lines of ‘yeah, right’—and then kept on struggling and worrying. Oh, I would have prayed, but I would have kept hold of a small bit of my worry and fear. After all, that’s what Mrs. Mac has always done. Always. Both before becoming a Christian, and in the 37 since I accepted Christ as my Savior. After all, I am a good worrier. Actually, I’m an excellent worrier. Top notch. First rate. My late husband used to remind me over and over to trust the Lord, let go of things—even during his last few days on this earth, he reminded me of this. Mac knew me well.

So there I was, about to hit another milestone, 66 years on earth and the first all alone, and I was fretting and worrying. I’ll tell you a secret … God knows me even better than Mac ever did; and through this past year of taking care of Mac, and in the months since Mac died, God has been teaching me. He’s shown me how much I can let go and trust HIM. I’ve learned how He has already prepared my path, and He’s ready to carry me through. So as I sat there reading those words of scripture, I bowed my head and turned it all over to the Lord. I poured my heart out to God and thanked Him for whatever He had already planned for me on my birthday, and if that was to spend time with Him all by myself, that was okay. An amazing sense of peace filled my heart. I went to bed totally at ease, slept well, awoke with a great joy in my heart, and stepped out to celebrate being another year older.

God did bless, and I was able to spend precious time with friends at breakfast and was surprised at the ladies that came to visit and eat–and visit. I took a drive, handled some financial issues, and then fixed a nice dinner and watched a movie. I was happy, content, and relaxed.

Does this mean I’ll never worry again? HA! Look back a few paragraphs, I’m the Queen of Worry. However, my prayer is that as I travel on this journey and grow in my faith, I’ll learn to trust more and worry less. After all, if God can take me through all that’s happened in the past 18 months, He can see me through whatever is ahead.

So Happy Birthday to me, and here’s to whatever God has in store for me!

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