A few weeks ago at Facebook, I shared the following:
It's been 3 days filled with frustration. Everything, and I mean *everything* frustrates me. No idea why. I feel that my time with the Lord has been/is quality time, and I'm spending good time in prayer and reading my Bible. Still, I am frustrated with everything. As I drove to and from the grocery store today, I talked to God about it. In my heart there was no clear answer. Am I not trusting? Not resting in His Grace? Are there sins in my life that I'm ignoring and need to confess and take out of my life? I don't know. I just know that I'm frustrated. Totally. Yet, God is blessing. I stopped and got gas and had enough points to get 90-cents off per gallon, saving $9! I'm enjoying my bench out back. I'm making plans. I'm clearing out clutter (mine and Mac's). I am getting things done that have sat on "to do" list for ages. So why am I frustrated. If I figure this out, I'll let you know.
A day or two after sharing my frustration, I began my morning with my devotions which included Hebrews 12, and as I read verse 15 (root of bitterness) the Holy Spirit ripped open my heart and showed me bitterness, anger, and pride. I was heartbroken. I sat and prayed and cried and confessed. I asked God to rip off the scabs of sin and show me all that's wrong.
A study of Hebrews 12:15 (“See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled;”), led me to Deuteronomy 29:18 (“…that there will not be among you a root bearing poisonous fruit and wormwood.”) where God speaks of the root of bitterness. My study Bible gave a definition: a root spreading poison and bitterness into the whole tree. I saw the “whole tree” as me; but in the broader and more appropriate application, the “whole tree” refers to the entire body of Christ. So I had to wonder if, as a member of the local body, I was spreading bitterness into the local family?
Then a friend sent me Psalm 55:22 (“Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.”), which led me to 1 Peter 5:7 (“casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.”), which led me to 2 Peter 1:3 (“seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence.”), and more and more verses; and eventually in my electronic MacArthur's Study Bible I found this link: Psalms for the Anxious
God kept tearing open my heart, and through it He began healing my heart. Am I totally where I should be? No! I have struggled almost daily since this time with bitterness in my heart, and I am daily confessing and praying and reading God’s Word to resolve all of this within myself.
God showed me bitterness about widowhood that I wasn’t aware I was harboring in my heart—and that will take a time for me to resolve. It was a surprising discovery for me, as I have felt that, at the almost 4 year mark, I was settled on this issue and moving forward with my life. Apparently I’m not as far along in healing as I thought I was.
At this point, by submitting myself daily to Christ, my frustration is gone. However, I think this will be a long term time of healing, learning, and spiritual growth for me.